Patrick. Dude. Just read the articles you emailed me last night, and while I’m not saying your penchant for Old World whiskies makes you a bad person, it sure as @#$*& makes you financially reckless. The new 25% tariff that the 45th Administration is imposing on European cheese, wine, and spirits is about to make your Glenlivet habit about a quarter more expensive than it already is. And when those tariffs go into effect two weeks from now, you’ll be paying for only four bottles of Jameson what you previously paid for five.

So I have to ask: is your palette so snobbishly sensitive that you physiologically NEED imports? Like, is your wallet good luck like, bro? Didn’t realize you were so f***ing fancy. Bet.

For everyone else, the choice before you is clear: Buy American.

Wait… even better: Buy New Scottish.

Think about it: when our six brands of craft spirits hit the market beginning in 2021, we won’t just have as our competitive advantage the fact that each handcrafted production is unique; we’ll also have the benefit of better quality at a lower shelf price when contrasted against Scotches, Irish Whiskies, Russian Vodkas, Dutch Rums, and whatever it is they make in Sweden. (It’s fish, right? Don’t they make fish?)

Soon, buying American won’t just be a patriotic statement; it’ll be the savvy economic choice for sophisticated consumers in search of a nightcap.

Look, I’m not saying I support agricultural tariffs, generally… but I am saying that I’m pretty sick of Danes acting like Americans need their shitty pastries at every pointless corporate breakfast. Well guess what, Danes? Your stale and uninspired cheese danish is about to be out of my price range, so we’re gonna stick with New York bagels, Vermont cream cheese, and whiskey sourced from the Hudson Valley. That’s how you start a Monday morning at the office off right.

….What we’re we talking about?

—Jesse