Patrick—

Election Day is upon us! And before society splinters and collapses into chaos before our very eyes, I have to ask:

Um… are you tracking that neither of the two main party candidates for the U.S. presidency have ever had a drink of alcohol? Like, in their lives?

What the good goddang, Patrick?!
When were you gonna share this little tidbit?!

I mean, I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I’m feeling rather judged as I read this bombshell New York Times article whilst a finger deep into this Whistle Pig rye.

… and holy s**t, Vice President Pence doesn’t drink either?! What is going on right now? I could’ve sworn only Americans were allowed to run for President.

I’m kidding. But I’m also not. Like, I would never prefer a President with a history of unconstrainted alcohol abuse, but I’d at least appreciate proof (pun!) that my Commander-in-Chief was sufficiently curious as to engage a fine spirit without losing his/her sensibilities.

I guess I’ll extend to these gentlemen a pass, since it seems the deleterious impact of alcoholism in their families growing up proved pretty traumatizing. Fine. But I hope they realize that their abstinence could actually be costly to their health….

That’s right, Pat! According to ABC News back in 2018, “[d]rinks like hot toddies, which traditionally contain whiskey, lemon and honey, can actually give cold and flu patients relief from their symptoms.”

That’s according to Dr. William Schaffner, chair of preventive medicine at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. And if you interpret his advice a bit more liberally, you can argue that adding a shot to your chicken soup is just what the doctor ordered.

“[Alcohol] would not have an effect on the virus itself, but its effect on the body can possibly give you some modest symptom relief,” Schaffner said back then. “The alcohol dilates blood vessels a little bit, and that makes it easier for your mucus membranes to deal with the infection.”

See?

So are President Trump and Vice President Biden more at risk for succumbing to COVID-19 because of their tee-totaling temperance? Who am I to say, especially now that I’m four fingers deep into this Whistle Pig rye and about to be sick….